The Reason Why…

It’s simple. I’ve been there. I almost died. I lived daily doses of the insanity of anorexia, bulimia and compulsive eating. I was desperately alone. I felt utterly defeated, shame beyond belief, uncared for, a burden to all, and yet still there was a small shimmer of light inside that barely sparked life. I just didn’t know how I could go on, nor did I believe anyone would be able or (even more frightening) willing to teach me how. I thought everyone else simply knew how to do life. I just wasn’t blessed with that gift. In fact I was weary about having been born with any gifts.

The struggle to get to where I am today has led me down many paths. Most of which lead me into more despair. I began to realize that my disease was a disease of secrecy. I was literally throwing up 90 times a day without anybody knowing it. I didn’t know what would kill me first: the disease or the pain of holding on to such a big secret and literally having no one to talk to. In the end I created my own program even though I didn’t realize it at the time. The first and most important step was to find that one person I could trust with my secret. Something inside of me knew that if I could actually say to someone this is what I am doing to myself and I need help, and they would not judge me or abandon me, I felt there might be hope. I found that person. I told her how I was purging up 2 pounds of MM’s at a time. I waited for her to react with disgust or horror. She didn’t. She looked at me and gave me a hug and told me how sorry she was that I had to go through this alone for so long, and that there had been no one and nowhere safe to go to. She WAS that person.

Today I know every experience; both good and bad has helped me to become who I am as a human being and as a therapist specializing in Eating Disorders. It is not always simple as I know there are times when giving up seems easier. As much as we want to change there is a strong pull to maintain homeostasis as change is scary and uncomfortable. I understand the struggle to fight for your life. I fought for what seemed like forever.

During my worst years, I had a need to feel cared for, to be seen and heard and not get lost in an inappropriate setting. The treatment I received often seemed impersonal and the staff incompetent.
I promised myself to someday create that place that I never found when I was suffering.
I would provide safety for others, a Safe Harbor.

Darlene Manick, MA, LMFT
Executive and Clinical Director of Safe Harbor